The other day, I began to ponder about why I seem to blog more about the past than I do about what I am doing now or plan to do in the future. I know for certain that the reason my blogs rarely include what I am currently doing is because.. I am not doing anything. I literally am at home day after day. Even on the weekends I don't get out much with my husband.. 1. Because he is tired from a long 50 - 60 hour work week. 2. Because we are trying to stretch our dollars due to my unknown future job situation. I have become used to being home everyday. But, this is definitely the reason why I don't have fun antics or updates about my daily life.
The troubling part is why I don't blog about the future??? I can't answer this question. I am in such a strange place right now in my life. The job hunting situation has really shook up my confidence. My vision is distorted. I mean my life vision not my eyesight. I am just not sure what I want, how I want to get it, and when to start. I have often wished that I was one of those people who knew from a very early age what they wanted out of life and just went after it. I ask God over and over, "Why am I like this? What am I missing? Why can't I just move in a direction?" To no avail, I am still waiting on the answers or they are passing right in front of me and I still don't get it.
I think it's interesting the various struggles that people have to endure in their lives. I can sit in this house on days and think that I have gone through the most horrible experiences and no one understands me and completely become self indulgent in pity. Then, I turn on the TV and watch some documentary about children in India being sold into prostitution to help feed their family or a single mother of 5 who doesn't have running water in their home and think what is wrong with me? Why can't I be thankful for all that I haven't endured? Why can't I be thankful for all that I do have? I don't know!
I jokingly call my current situation my Self Imposed Prison. But, really my self imposed prison is in my mind. Perhaps one day, I will have the courage to unlock the gates and truly experience life the way that I should be experiencing it.
2 comments:
I think I could literally write a book about that elusive quest for purpose. We all seem elbow deep in desire to matter, but lacking in a way to carry out that well-intended umf. I unfortunately do not have an answer. Just read my very confused, long-winded blog and you'll see. LOL! :)
Love you - Kayla
What I know for sure is that the magnificent struggle we all endure adds rich layers to our story. What you are going through now will help another sister when she is down and in need. An idea... check out the local museums on their free days. You could ride your moto and go walk around taking in beauty. Sometimes it is good to get out of the house. And believe me the job sites will all still be there the next day. I've been where you are... I don't know the answer of how you emerge from this place but I know as sure as tomorrow (even though it is not promised) you will emerge and there is sunshine around the corner.
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